Remember?
Posted in General, Uncategorized on July 18th, 2011 by Josie – Be the first to commentI lie awake, drenched in sweat from my own heat and from the muggy room emanating it’s warmth.
I think back to the things I’ve done in my life. Things in my past seem like a blur. I try to remember them, but something tugs at my long cloak telling me not too. Begging me not to. I concede to its plea. There will be a day and time for that. There will be judgement.
Things in my present feel as though they were long ago yet as if they just happened, all at the same time.
I remember when this used to be fun.
I remember when this used to be enjoyable.
I remember when this used to feel right, when the mystery of it gave me all the more confidence.
I remember taking a step back, remember saying my prayers to remind myself that not to my glory, not to my wants but His. I remember trying hard, foolishly by my own power, to keep this promise.
I remember the timidness, the shyness, the pseudo-double-entendres, the word games, the vulnerability but
not
really
vulnerability.
I remember the unsaid formula, the predetermined planned procedure, the politics, the methodology. I remember them being all too familiar yet all so foreign at the same time.
I remember the pain, the patience, the endurance, the waiting, the deference, the waiting, the pain, the waiting, the waiting, the waiting…
I remember the struggle.
All this I remember.
All this.
Yet in a folly attempt to recall the minute insignificant details of my life, I gloss over the more important things that are bigger than me. That make my life more than just me.
I remember not the personages.
I remember not the characters.
I remember not the plot, the setting, the ambience.
I remember not the Audience, the applauses and boos, the cheering and the crying, the unending support.
I remember not the reasons, the whys and hows and whatifs. I remember not why I remember not.
Is it all for naught then? Is it all for naught, because I do not remember? I deny this not. As much as the past influences our present, it presents no excuses for itself nor for the now.
How we live our lives is a daily choice we make only with the grace of God.
How *I* live *my* life is a daily choice I only make with the ever so kind and powerful grace of God.
A grace that wrenches me free from my failures, my mistakes, my critics, my accusers, my chains, and all the brutal consequences that come with.
A grace that wrenches me free from the idols I cling to even now. My idols of pride, lust, greed, selfishness, deceit, power. My idol of good works, good intentions, My idol of morals, of being on the “right side”, of being perfect, of being loved, respected, dignified. My idol of me.
I cling
so
hard.
A grace who hates all this, who despises all this, who accepts me in spite of all this, a grace who recognizes the perfect condemning judgement and wrath, that bitter and holy and perfect wrath, that is deserved.
A grace who pleas, “he knows not what he is doing. Josiah knows not what he is doing” – I know not what evils I do? Is that a joke? I know full well my evils! I know full well my judgement! – and stands between me and holy perfect judgement.
A grace that instead takes my place on my cross, who bears my mistakes and its punitive and consequential power.
A grace who is both willing AND able to say “it is done”. Period.
Period.
It is done.
There is NO dignified response to this. What a great injustice has been done onto the Son of God on my behalf! Why did you do it God, why? Why should I, a mere worm, benefit from his, from Your, great loss??!
And so I draw from this power.
Power from the fact that the LORD can destroy both my soul and body.
Power from the fact that I fear the LORD.
And if I fear the LORD, and if the LORD is for those who fear Him, whom else is there left to fear? I cannot fear the Lord except by the Holy Spirit who teaches me how to fear amazing grace.
Whom then, WHOM shall I fear? Myself? Posh, I have died and risen with him; behold, my old self is defeated, presented as a dead corpse, just as it were.
Just as He would be pleased with
and
exchanged for a new life!
And so, all this I do, I CAN do for His glory. I know not the outcome of what he calls and permits me to do; only that if I trust and obey Him who saves, in the end He works for the good of those who fear Him.
Arise dear self, arise and do not be disheartened; weep no
more! God is GOOD! God has saved you by destroying you and made you new, and will make you perfect yet!
Arise dear self, arise! You are more than a conqueror, for you have been conquered by unfailing love, by everlasting redemption, by undying faithfulness. And it is not by my own power, it is a gift of God.
Arise, and rule the world in and with love as God has made you his servant; rule in and with and through love and praise to God. Rule over your self, your community, your relationships; rule as God has intended you to rule, to rule through his grace and mercy and sacrificial love.
Arise now, dear self, and REMEMBER this:
For by GRACE you have been saved through FAITH. And this is NOT your own doing;
It is the GIFT OF GOD!,
not a result of works, so that no one (yes you, that’s me) can boast.
For we (that’s you, self) are God’s workmanship, created in CHRIST JESUS *FOR* good WORKS,
which, by the way,
GOD prepared BEFOREHAND, that we should walk in them.
Arise, my dear self, and LIVE in and through HIM. Only through, for, by, and in him are ANY of my actions and existence justified. None else.
O to grace how grace how great a debtor daily I’m constrained to be.
All to His glory. All to Your glory.
Amen.
